10 Real Relationship Realizations
A brief summary of the many lessons I'm learning in partnership
Relationships are life's greatest teachers—at least that's my belief. They come in all kinds of unique styles and flavors, and I've had my fair share. I've been in some form of relationship pretty much since I was 15. My experiences include three relationships longer than a year (one lasted 8 years!), dating older men, reconnecting with my kindergarten crush after 12 years apart, opening a monogamous relationship to try polyamory, having two boyfriends simultaneously, and experimenting with a "friends with benefits" situation.
Now, I'm in something entirely new. Although we've only known each other for about a year, this particular relationship has sparked significant growth and expansion in our personal lives and transformed how we view partnership.
My partner Alex and I met at Burning Man in August 2023—yes, the year of the mud. It wasn't one of those stories where our paths crossed mid-playa, our eyes locked, and we knew it was forever (I've heard those tales!). Instead, we were in the same camp, literally in neighboring RVs. Our connection took a few days to ignite—a story that deserves its own blog post another time.
Our journey has been anything but typical. We evolved from dusty, muddy lovers at Burning Man to navigating our first conflict within days. I surprised myself by professing my love on day seven. From there, we embarked on a whirlwind adventure: three months of long-distance, followed by a month of cohabitation in Bali, then more long-distance, living together in Austin, another stint apart, and finally, living separately in the same city. Now, we're exploring Europe together for four months. It's been a rollercoaster of experiences, defying conventional relationship timelines - and especially different than anyting either of us have experienced before.
Throughout these transitions and chapters in our relationship, we've encountered numerous lessons, reflections, and questions. What is the essence of love? How do we define commitment? What truly lies at the heart of relationships?
Here are 10 insights I've gained during our time together.
A partnership consists of three entities: each individual and the relationship itself. We are a TEAM of two people. Our decisions and conversations always consider the team's betterment, even though this mindset can be challenging at times. When things get tough, the simple reminder that "We're on the same team" can make all the difference.
Being in a close relationship is like holding a mirror up to your face, forcing you to confront the shadowy parts of yourself. Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is" offers a fascinating perspective on this. It provides an exercise where you flip your thoughts and judgments about your partner into reflections about yourself. This practice is mind-blowing—and forms a crucial foundation for deep, meaningful relationships.
Example: I sometimes feel triggered by Alex's directness in expressing his desires and the strength of his opinions. When I explore why this affects me, I realize it's because flipping "Alex knows what he wants" to "I don't know what I want" reveals the root of the problem—my own truth. Speaking up and owning my desires is a daily practice I'm working on, and naturally, the universe has given me a partner who is extremely confident!
There is such a thing as healthy conflict. My life has been pretty go with the flow, no drama, no worries (when it comes to how I relate with other people - my family, my friends, my partners). There's never been a lot of fire or conflict, and therefore I haven't spent much time learning how to go about it in a healthy way. I associated conflict with being negative, and can now see my patterns of avoiding conflict/brushing things under the rug.
I'm learning this lesson as we speak of how to look at conflict as opportunity for growth and strengthening the relationship. Alex has really helped me to look at conflict as an opportunity to become closer because our truths are coming to the surface. When conflict arises, it illuminates what's stirring within us—acting as an internal compass that pinpoints exactly where we can focus our personal growth.
Mastery of relationships is a learned skill—it doesn't just "happen." I honestly thought going into this relationship that because I had so much experience, I knew it all. In my mind, I was the biggest catch—the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the mega jackpot when it comes to partnership. I can see how this could have attracted someone who didn't challenge me and who bowed down at my feet. And I'm so grateful that didn't happen.
There are several areas such as vulnerability, intimacy, and conflict resolution that I now see the value in investing in learning for the betterment of our relationship. We're currently exploring working with a coach or therapist who could help us reach our goals much faster than we could alone. I'm really excited about this—it feels like a big investment in our future. Why wait until after marriage for counseling? We're both interested in creating the most fulfilling, loving, and exciting relationship experience possible.Men desire respect, appreciation, and a sense of being needed, while women want to feel loved. This dynamic, though seemingly simple, can create a complex cycle. When a woman doesn't feel loved, she may withhold the appreciation a man craves, and vice versa. Recognizing this pattern and learning to break it for the benefit of the TEAM is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Regular relationship check-ins should be a top priority. Setting aside time to intentionally discuss what's working and what you might be holding back can be transformative. There are numerous formats available for these check-ins—we've found success using the one from our friends Matt & Kelley's "Foundations of Love" course, which I've linked below. https://www.mattcama.com/foundations-of-love
Creating music or art with your partner is a beautiful practice. It's always been a dream of mine to truly create with a partner, and I'm incredibly grateful that Alex and I share a mutual interest in music. Music is the language of the soul, often conveying emotions that words alone cannot express. It's been a joy to watch Alex learn guitar and witness his rapidly improving skills. It has been so fun being a cheerleader for him and seeing him operate from a place of passion.
Stay curious and continuously get to know your partner—we're always changing and evolving. Alex and I have transformed into new versions of ourselves almost monthly since we've been together. It's been a significant lesson for me to assume nothing (or at least try not to) and approach him, his actions, and decisions through a lens of curiosity rather than judgment.
Saying grace before a meal—especially one cooked together at home—creates a beautiful connection. We've found joy in taking a deep breath together before eating while holding hands and expressing gratitude. This has become one of my favorite new practices!
Never stop surprising your partner. Remember those sweet gestures from the early "honeymoon phase" of your relationship? Recreating them later can have an even more profound impact. Plan an unexpected date, compose a heartfelt poem or song, surprise them with a thoughtful gift, or express genuine gratitude out of the blue. Here’s a suggestion: ask, "Can I give you some feedback?" then shower them with love and appreciation. The reaction is priceless!
My 11th point would be about taking space within the relationship and understanding the importance of balancing independence and togetherness - which I think will become it’s own post. As I write this, we're entering our first extended period apart during our travels for the next 10 days, where I’m sure there will be more realizations and self-discovery.
Overall, I'm passionate about being a student of relationships. I truly believe they hold the key to unlocking the deepest levels of love—both for life and within ourselves.
Also, I wanted to include a few things that are lighting me up each week for you to explore. Hope you enjoy!
I’m reading: Conscious Loving by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks - considering this a must read for relationships; ideally to read together!
I’m listening to: Azul by Vero & Carioca Freitas - gorgeous song we learned at the music workshop retreat in Spain
I’m loving: working with Jackie from Rad Wellbeing on rebalancing all of my body systems. Check out her offerings for all things women’s health!